Jesus' role in my life

Truth always comes to a head. A point. Like Nathan Jessup couldn't about himself--we can’t handle it. Like not being able to handle snakes. But to live again, you must be able to. And will be able to. 

I was the governor of my province. And everything was jacked up. Everything was in turmoil.
All my decisions seemed to make it worse.
Then at the very end.  When the foundations were trembling. When it was critical and the heat was on;  I got out of the limelight; away from the crowds; into the back room of myself. The judge's chambers—the green room.  That place no one else enters. The ego’s lair. Behind the wizard’s curtain. And in that quiet place, guess who was in there? Jesus. It turns out he had been trying, all this time, to save my world; but man, he was bloody and beaten to a pulp—bound with cords. And there was this other voice in that room.  One who would do everything to stroke my ego—to keep it safe.  One who “cared about Me.” It whispered in my ear, “Get out of here! Now! You do not want to confront this!”  
Then. I spoke. 
“See! The truth is...the truth is…See, I know what the truth is!  It was everybody else that...They deserve…Now look, I know what I’m saying! I’m in control! I didn’t hurt anybody! The reason all this is happening is...What happened was...the truth is...the truth is…the truth…


...What is the truth?”


And as he was dragged out, back into that other place—that front place—where life actually happens--leaving me in silence, Jesus did not speak.  Just left this question ricocheting off the walls of that far back room:
“You’re the governor. The top of the rule of law. You control judgment. You sit at the judgment seat. You’re making all these decisions out in the light of day.  You decide who lives and dies; and back here...back behind it all...you don’t know what truth is?”


Error:_
Error:_Danger Will Robinson.
Crack.  Crack. Crack. Crack. Crack. Crack.
Does not compute. Does not compute. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Does not compute.  Does not compute. Does not compute...
​
Operating System Malfunction. 
Error.  Fatal error.  
Dead.
Because an alive 42 year old person should know what the truth is. Right? Uh oh. Oh no. It just might be that I’m not alive. That I don’t even know how to live.
Dead. 
Sick. Paralyzed. Lame. Blind. Dead. Desperate. Cold. Empty. 

​And then one fine day, like a fish out of water, gasping for my last breath, eyes wide and dilated, moaning, catatonic; floating in the surf; I listlessly bump up against something. And Jesus looks down and says gently, “hey, look who finally washed up at my feet.”